This Year's Love Had Better Last

There are people who hope only to be let down.
There are people who hope and get what they want.
There are people who are let down but still hope.
There are people who are let down who give up hope.

I don't know what to think anymore, because fear is paralyzing me.
Fear of the unknown and the future and losing what I need most.
Sometimes I cry so hard I throw up.
Sometimes I have panic attacks so bad I almost pass out because I can't breath.
Sometimes (like right now) I smell my pillow because it smells like you and you smell like hope.
Sometimes I smile because I don't want to scare anyone.

I fear that fear will take over me and I don't want that.
I want to be happy and live my life and my dreams no matter what happens but sometimes this seems impossible.
What people don't understand is that saying it's going to be fine doesn't always mean it will be.
These things have a mind of their own and they don't give a damn about the women they're killing's daughter who cries herself to sleep at night and who's grades are getting worse and worse and who's ability to get out of bed is severely diminished.
This all sounds very horrible and stupid but it's true.
This may also sound weak but don't ever call me weak.
I am the furthest thing from weak.
I am also not a coward, no matter what mistakes I've made in the past.
I don't care if I love you and I don't care if you think you're smart and you know me and you can read people, I am not a coward, I never was and never will be.

I know some people reading this won't completely understand, and I'm sorry. I will tell you, I just need the perfect time and a bit more confidence. Sometimes just thinking about it sets me off and I don't really want to go into a full-fledged panic attack at lunch...
Unless it makes me miss french, then it's okay :P

I guess you have to laugh sometimes, laugh at the complete lack of fairness in it all.
Laugh at the loss of sleep.
Laugh through the tears.

I'm going to watch C.S.I Miami right now. I love Horatio.

Dear Blank,

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK MY NEW MOON POSTER OFF MY CEILING. THAT IS JUST CRUEL. Oh but I love your song and you really need to write lyrics now. Oh anddddd, we must have looked like idiots with me latched on to you while you were trying to walk home... sorry about that. Actually I'm not lol. YOU ARE A WHORE. <3

Love,

Me

lots of strength,

the.(beautiful).let.down

<3

And as I watch you leave I stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere I go I find
Things recollecting to my mind
How right it all could be

Faith gone from your eyes
Each word it flies
Straight to the heart and I know
Watching you go
There ain't no easy way to cry
Easy Way To Cry-(davidgray)