What I've learned:
1. Ignorance is bliss
2. Intelligence is not only based on IQ
3. You can live a full life without even trying
4. Love is endless and knows no boundaries
5. Everythings happens for a reason
Lots of chocolates,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I Brought Down The Sky For You But All You Did Was Shrug, You Gave My Emptiness A Name And You Ran Away
^audience of one-rise against
Today I rediscovered my love for rise against. I also realized the world isn't always as it seems, and things can change in a matter of seconds. That both scares me and reassures me that sure, things are the way are now but this is all temporary. Things will get better and worse over and over so you can't really try to control everything. It's not easy but I think I'll get better at just letting go of things that do me no good.
I don't want to be friends with you anymore, I just don't. You're not that great of a person and all you've done is hurt me. This pain and this self hate and this total fear of living is driving be absolutely crazy and I can't do it anymore. You're not worth it and you never were.
This isn't giving up, no this is letting go.
Lots of rise against,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Today I rediscovered my love for rise against. I also realized the world isn't always as it seems, and things can change in a matter of seconds. That both scares me and reassures me that sure, things are the way are now but this is all temporary. Things will get better and worse over and over so you can't really try to control everything. It's not easy but I think I'll get better at just letting go of things that do me no good.
I don't want to be friends with you anymore, I just don't. You're not that great of a person and all you've done is hurt me. This pain and this self hate and this total fear of living is driving be absolutely crazy and I can't do it anymore. You're not worth it and you never were.
This isn't giving up, no this is letting go.
Lots of rise against,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Dear Cancer,
Please go away. You make everything worse. You make me live in constant fear that I'll lose her and I'll never recover.
I just need you to leave and never return so that I can breathe again.
I think you're the one who started this all. I hate you and hate what you've made me into.
I went from 13 to 30 in a matter of seconds because of you and not in a good way.
So please. Please go. Leave me alone. Leave her alone.
I just need you to leave and never return so that I can breathe again.
I think you're the one who started this all. I hate you and hate what you've made me into.
I went from 13 to 30 in a matter of seconds because of you and not in a good way.
So please. Please go. Leave me alone. Leave her alone.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I Was Born A Unicorn I Missed The Ark But I Could've Sworn You'd Wait For Me
^I Was Born (A Unicorn)-The Unicorns
I just. I need to explain something. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I try so hard not to be, but it just feels impossible at this point. I need to tell you what it's like everyday for me, because you don't understand. I'm so happy you don't understand, but you need to.
Every morning I wake up in a panic, my heart beating out of my chest, my breathe shallow and quick, tears close to the surface, just terrified of the fact that I have to get up and leave this safe place of sheets and pillows. Then I have to get up and force food down my throat even though I'd rather be hungry. Then I get ready and put on clothes and makeup that I hope hide how I really look and how I really feel.
Then it's off to school and forcing myself to care about all this work I have when I really have no motivation at all whatsoever. And this is the other part, you always say that I can try harder and I can do better and I'm sure if I got help I could, but right now it feels impossible. I just don't care, I don't want to try and I don't want to do the work and I don't want to pay attention. And I sincerely wish I did, because it'd be great to do really well in school, but it's like there's this wall. This wall in my brain that I can't break down, and behind this wall is you and all the girls and my family and success. But I can't break down this fucking wall. So school is just this horrible experience that makes me feel worse about myself. I guess lunch is okay, depending on what happens, and I usually don't eat.
After school I go home and try not to stuff my face, and watch tv and just go down to my basement because talking to my parents is torture because I can't be happy enough for them. They're always telling me to stop complaining and smile and they notice that something's wrong but they don't do anything about it. So I just spend most of my time in the basement, trying not to think. Then after dinner (which is a battle between my grumbling stomach and my hateful thoughts) I try to do my homework, and usually just end up half-assing it or putting it off.
Then I go back to my basement and I eat junk because it makes me feel good then I go to bed. And here comes the trouble. As soon as I turn off the tv and go to the bathroom and such I can hear it. It taunts me, calling me names, making me think of any and every reason to use it. And sometimes I can't stop myself. I feel so much better, so much calmer and like I finally got what I deserve. Then I lay in bed and I think about everything I wish I could be and everything I'm not. Sometimes I cry. Then I eventually fall asleep and wake up to the same terrifying tearful panic.
And I don't understand how I can be so scared of living, but I am. And I need help and I need change. I just, it's hard. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I guess I'm doing that anyways, with the way I've been acting.
But I just need you to understand that if I could change this by myself, I would. But I don't think I can anymore. I'm sorry.
lots of explaining,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone
There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
April 8th(neutralmilkhotel)
I just. I need to explain something. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I try so hard not to be, but it just feels impossible at this point. I need to tell you what it's like everyday for me, because you don't understand. I'm so happy you don't understand, but you need to.
Every morning I wake up in a panic, my heart beating out of my chest, my breathe shallow and quick, tears close to the surface, just terrified of the fact that I have to get up and leave this safe place of sheets and pillows. Then I have to get up and force food down my throat even though I'd rather be hungry. Then I get ready and put on clothes and makeup that I hope hide how I really look and how I really feel.
Then it's off to school and forcing myself to care about all this work I have when I really have no motivation at all whatsoever. And this is the other part, you always say that I can try harder and I can do better and I'm sure if I got help I could, but right now it feels impossible. I just don't care, I don't want to try and I don't want to do the work and I don't want to pay attention. And I sincerely wish I did, because it'd be great to do really well in school, but it's like there's this wall. This wall in my brain that I can't break down, and behind this wall is you and all the girls and my family and success. But I can't break down this fucking wall. So school is just this horrible experience that makes me feel worse about myself. I guess lunch is okay, depending on what happens, and I usually don't eat.
After school I go home and try not to stuff my face, and watch tv and just go down to my basement because talking to my parents is torture because I can't be happy enough for them. They're always telling me to stop complaining and smile and they notice that something's wrong but they don't do anything about it. So I just spend most of my time in the basement, trying not to think. Then after dinner (which is a battle between my grumbling stomach and my hateful thoughts) I try to do my homework, and usually just end up half-assing it or putting it off.
Then I go back to my basement and I eat junk because it makes me feel good then I go to bed. And here comes the trouble. As soon as I turn off the tv and go to the bathroom and such I can hear it. It taunts me, calling me names, making me think of any and every reason to use it. And sometimes I can't stop myself. I feel so much better, so much calmer and like I finally got what I deserve. Then I lay in bed and I think about everything I wish I could be and everything I'm not. Sometimes I cry. Then I eventually fall asleep and wake up to the same terrifying tearful panic.
And I don't understand how I can be so scared of living, but I am. And I need help and I need change. I just, it's hard. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I guess I'm doing that anyways, with the way I've been acting.
But I just need you to understand that if I could change this by myself, I would. But I don't think I can anymore. I'm sorry.
lots of explaining,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone
There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
April 8th(neutralmilkhotel)
Can't Believe How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All
^In The Aeroplane Over The Sea-Neautral Milk Hotel
I AM SO OBSESSED WITH NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. LIKE ACTUALLY. SO AMAZING. IT'S LIKE MUMFORD AND SONS MEETS BRIGHT EYES. SOJTDKFWEHDFJKCMNBWUIEAORKFMNWWDGUDSHFNJ<3
I have no more poems and nothing really to say, I just wanted to profess my love for NMH somewhere :P
And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go
The King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1-(nmh)
The Earth looks better from a star
That's right above from where you are
He didn't mean to make you cry
With sparks that ring and bullets fly
On empty rings around your heart
The world just screams and falls apart
But now we must pick up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on
Holland, 1945-(nmh)
The lady is dying
She bends back like a wave
As her spirit is climbing
Through the hospital wall and away
And I wanted to hold you
As you made your escape
But now I should have told you
When your eyes were alive and awake
Always in life we all must make this mistake
And so I go it alone
And the pressure is great
I hold on to my own
Oh please oh don't go away
I wanted to know you
Before you started to fade
But I gave everything to
A lie and a farce and a fake
You've Passed-(nmh)
So wake up run your lips across your fingers till you find
Some scent of yourself that you can hold up high
To remind yourself that you didn't die
On a day that was so crappy
Whole and happy you're alive
You're in the bathroom carving holiday designs into yourself
Hoping no one will find you but they found you
And they took you
And you somehow survived
So wake up and if the holidays don't hollow out your eyes
Then press yourself against whatever
You find to be beautiful and trembling with life
Because I'm so happy you didn't die
Three Peaches(nmh)
Okay I'm sorry, I'm done.
I'm just obsessed. I have a very addictive personality. Meaning I get addicted and obsessed with things easily. But you already knew that :P
Little bit of trouble today, but I think I'll just not think about it because it's really stupid and pointless to be this upset over something this unimportant.
lots of neutral milk hotel,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
I AM SO OBSESSED WITH NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL. LIKE ACTUALLY. SO AMAZING. IT'S LIKE MUMFORD AND SONS MEETS BRIGHT EYES. SOJTDKFWEHDFJKCMNBWUIEAORKFMNWWDGUDSHFNJ<3
I have no more poems and nothing really to say, I just wanted to profess my love for NMH somewhere :P
And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go
The King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1-(nmh)
The Earth looks better from a star
That's right above from where you are
He didn't mean to make you cry
With sparks that ring and bullets fly
On empty rings around your heart
The world just screams and falls apart
But now we must pick up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on
Holland, 1945-(nmh)
The lady is dying
She bends back like a wave
As her spirit is climbing
Through the hospital wall and away
And I wanted to hold you
As you made your escape
But now I should have told you
When your eyes were alive and awake
Always in life we all must make this mistake
And so I go it alone
And the pressure is great
I hold on to my own
Oh please oh don't go away
I wanted to know you
Before you started to fade
But I gave everything to
A lie and a farce and a fake
You've Passed-(nmh)
So wake up run your lips across your fingers till you find
Some scent of yourself that you can hold up high
To remind yourself that you didn't die
On a day that was so crappy
Whole and happy you're alive
You're in the bathroom carving holiday designs into yourself
Hoping no one will find you but they found you
And they took you
And you somehow survived
So wake up and if the holidays don't hollow out your eyes
Then press yourself against whatever
You find to be beautiful and trembling with life
Because I'm so happy you didn't die
Three Peaches(nmh)
Okay I'm sorry, I'm done.
I'm just obsessed. I have a very addictive personality. Meaning I get addicted and obsessed with things easily. But you already knew that :P
Little bit of trouble today, but I think I'll just not think about it because it's really stupid and pointless to be this upset over something this unimportant.
lots of neutral milk hotel,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Poems Part One
I have finally been writing again, SO HAPPY.
So I just want to post them here, because I know I'll lose the actual papers they're written on. They're not too good, but at least they're an outlet :)
I don't really have names so I'm just making them up now... they'll be lame :P
Leaving
Walk away from this
Go far away from this
I just want you to be happy
But I can't stay here
No, it's not safe here
I think I'm going crazy
You need to know i love you
I'd do anything for you
But I have to start trying to live
I miss who I used to be
I've lost who I want to be
And I'm sorry but I have to leave
Sorries
I'm sending mixed messages and I'm sorry for that
I'm writing "I'm fine" in blood and I'm sorry for that
I'm not who you love and I'm sorry for that
But I'm trying my best, I'm not sorry for that
61%
Anger seeps from my pores
Thinking of all those closed doors
"Failure" you scream
Say goodbye to your dreams
Because you're not good enough
And you never will be
Mask
When I was younger I had my mask and it was easy to see through
As I grew older I got smarter, now my mask is almost true
I hide behind my mask so that people don't see pain
And I plaster on fake smiles as if everything's okay
I go day by day wondering if someone will crack through
And spill out the broken pieces that are all because of you
They'll pick them up so carefully and patch them up with glue
So that I don't need my mask
So that my smiles can be true
Ropes
Your words, like ropes, give me something to hold onto
I cling to them desperately, wanting to prove to you
That I'm happy and I'm smiling, that I'll be okay
But I'm slipping and I'm falling and I don't have many more days
Soon your words become nooses and I'm hanging on them
I stop breathing, I stop trying, I think this is the end
You've killed me with words, buried me underground
My eyes burn with hate but I don't make a sound
To The Sea
You drag me to the sea
Tie rocks to my ankles and leave
You laugh as you see my fear
I'm drowning in all these tears
I go under for the last time
But this life I've lost isn't mine
I was gone so long ago
And I think that you should know
That you took my soul away
And maybe you should pray
To a god that I don't believe in
Because my heart's become hate ridden
The Manipulator
Leave me to my vices
Walk away during time of crises
My blood is on your hands and you know it
But still you just smile and sit
On your throne of power and manipulation
While no one but me fears this situation
That I and so many others are in
Where you use and toss us in dirty trash bins
Like we're garbage, like we're nothing, like we don't matter
You strip us of hope and leave our clothes in tatters
But the outside only sees your shell
That emits light and joy and makes you want to tell
Your deepest darkest secrets but please don't do that
Because he'll use and abuse you like a dirty door mat
He'll pretend to care but all the while
He's just luring you in with his addictive smile
And soon you'll see the fakeness but by then it's too late
He'll have convinced you into thinking that darkness is your fate
Dirty Little Secret
Drip drip goes the blood
Break break goes my heart
If you think of it please don't start
Because you'll end up with a cart
Full of razorblades and gauze and scar reducing cream
Full of hate and need and unheard screams
You'll convince yourself that you're just fine
Your head will be filled with all these lies
And you'll want to tell the world that you're in pain
But you love your little secret, still, it's all in vain
It'll be once then twice then everyday
And you'll give up trying to find the words that say
Help.
If you were expecting happy poems... you obviously don't know me :P These are an outlet not fairytales.
So I just want to post them here, because I know I'll lose the actual papers they're written on. They're not too good, but at least they're an outlet :)
I don't really have names so I'm just making them up now... they'll be lame :P
Leaving
Walk away from this
Go far away from this
I just want you to be happy
But I can't stay here
No, it's not safe here
I think I'm going crazy
You need to know i love you
I'd do anything for you
But I have to start trying to live
I miss who I used to be
I've lost who I want to be
And I'm sorry but I have to leave
Sorries
I'm sending mixed messages and I'm sorry for that
I'm writing "I'm fine" in blood and I'm sorry for that
I'm not who you love and I'm sorry for that
But I'm trying my best, I'm not sorry for that
61%
Anger seeps from my pores
Thinking of all those closed doors
"Failure" you scream
Say goodbye to your dreams
Because you're not good enough
And you never will be
Mask
When I was younger I had my mask and it was easy to see through
As I grew older I got smarter, now my mask is almost true
I hide behind my mask so that people don't see pain
And I plaster on fake smiles as if everything's okay
I go day by day wondering if someone will crack through
And spill out the broken pieces that are all because of you
They'll pick them up so carefully and patch them up with glue
So that I don't need my mask
So that my smiles can be true
Ropes
Your words, like ropes, give me something to hold onto
I cling to them desperately, wanting to prove to you
That I'm happy and I'm smiling, that I'll be okay
But I'm slipping and I'm falling and I don't have many more days
Soon your words become nooses and I'm hanging on them
I stop breathing, I stop trying, I think this is the end
You've killed me with words, buried me underground
My eyes burn with hate but I don't make a sound
To The Sea
You drag me to the sea
Tie rocks to my ankles and leave
You laugh as you see my fear
I'm drowning in all these tears
I go under for the last time
But this life I've lost isn't mine
I was gone so long ago
And I think that you should know
That you took my soul away
And maybe you should pray
To a god that I don't believe in
Because my heart's become hate ridden
The Manipulator
Leave me to my vices
Walk away during time of crises
My blood is on your hands and you know it
But still you just smile and sit
On your throne of power and manipulation
While no one but me fears this situation
That I and so many others are in
Where you use and toss us in dirty trash bins
Like we're garbage, like we're nothing, like we don't matter
You strip us of hope and leave our clothes in tatters
But the outside only sees your shell
That emits light and joy and makes you want to tell
Your deepest darkest secrets but please don't do that
Because he'll use and abuse you like a dirty door mat
He'll pretend to care but all the while
He's just luring you in with his addictive smile
And soon you'll see the fakeness but by then it's too late
He'll have convinced you into thinking that darkness is your fate
Dirty Little Secret
Drip drip goes the blood
Break break goes my heart
If you think of it please don't start
Because you'll end up with a cart
Full of razorblades and gauze and scar reducing cream
Full of hate and need and unheard screams
You'll convince yourself that you're just fine
Your head will be filled with all these lies
And you'll want to tell the world that you're in pain
But you love your little secret, still, it's all in vain
It'll be once then twice then everyday
And you'll give up trying to find the words that say
Help.
If you were expecting happy poems... you obviously don't know me :P These are an outlet not fairytales.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I Keep Bleeding Love
I'm a little worried right now. I wasn't really thinking.
Well okay. Today was fine. Didn't do the chem lab since we had a sub so that made my day better.
Anthro was pretty interesting. English had some good and boring moments. Guitar, oh guitar. I had a test, which I totally forgot about so that was interesting. But I think it was fine. Then I just played riverside like, a hundred times.
Lunch was good. Music meeting, spaghetti carbonara, friends, qurl. lmfao.
Then Ritz, boring but fast. Then bus, which was so funny. We had such an awesome bus driver. He was really nice.
Then Liz's. Really cool discussion on religion and greek mythology and all that fun stuff so I learned a lot actually. Then gossiping of course, and Fired Up and pizza and a crying robot baby. Ya it was really fun.
Then home. And brownies. And the Suite Life Movie and Sister Wives and thinking and.
Now I'm here.
Sorry, these sentences are really disjointed.
Oh fuck. Kay I'm gonna go, I have nothing to say.
lots of not thinking,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they were strong, but my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
When laying with you I could stay there
Close my eyes, feel you here forever
You and me together, nothing is better
Sometimes I wake up by the door
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touch your face
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When we fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time.
Set Fire To The Rain-(adele)
Well okay. Today was fine. Didn't do the chem lab since we had a sub so that made my day better.
Anthro was pretty interesting. English had some good and boring moments. Guitar, oh guitar. I had a test, which I totally forgot about so that was interesting. But I think it was fine. Then I just played riverside like, a hundred times.
Lunch was good. Music meeting, spaghetti carbonara, friends, qurl. lmfao.
Then Ritz, boring but fast. Then bus, which was so funny. We had such an awesome bus driver. He was really nice.
Then Liz's. Really cool discussion on religion and greek mythology and all that fun stuff so I learned a lot actually. Then gossiping of course, and Fired Up and pizza and a crying robot baby. Ya it was really fun.
Then home. And brownies. And the Suite Life Movie and Sister Wives and thinking and.
Now I'm here.
Sorry, these sentences are really disjointed.
Oh fuck. Kay I'm gonna go, I have nothing to say.
lots of not thinking,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they were strong, but my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
When laying with you I could stay there
Close my eyes, feel you here forever
You and me together, nothing is better
Sometimes I wake up by the door
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touch your face
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When we fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time.
Set Fire To The Rain-(adele)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)