^I Was Born (A Unicorn)-The Unicorns
I just. I need to explain something. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I try so hard not to be, but it just feels impossible at this point. I need to tell you what it's like everyday for me, because you don't understand. I'm so happy you don't understand, but you need to.
Every morning I wake up in a panic, my heart beating out of my chest, my breathe shallow and quick, tears close to the surface, just terrified of the fact that I have to get up and leave this safe place of sheets and pillows. Then I have to get up and force food down my throat even though I'd rather be hungry. Then I get ready and put on clothes and makeup that I hope hide how I really look and how I really feel.
Then it's off to school and forcing myself to care about all this work I have when I really have no motivation at all whatsoever. And this is the other part, you always say that I can try harder and I can do better and I'm sure if I got help I could, but right now it feels impossible. I just don't care, I don't want to try and I don't want to do the work and I don't want to pay attention. And I sincerely wish I did, because it'd be great to do really well in school, but it's like there's this wall. This wall in my brain that I can't break down, and behind this wall is you and all the girls and my family and success. But I can't break down this fucking wall. So school is just this horrible experience that makes me feel worse about myself. I guess lunch is okay, depending on what happens, and I usually don't eat.
After school I go home and try not to stuff my face, and watch tv and just go down to my basement because talking to my parents is torture because I can't be happy enough for them. They're always telling me to stop complaining and smile and they notice that something's wrong but they don't do anything about it. So I just spend most of my time in the basement, trying not to think. Then after dinner (which is a battle between my grumbling stomach and my hateful thoughts) I try to do my homework, and usually just end up half-assing it or putting it off.
Then I go back to my basement and I eat junk because it makes me feel good then I go to bed. And here comes the trouble. As soon as I turn off the tv and go to the bathroom and such I can hear it. It taunts me, calling me names, making me think of any and every reason to use it. And sometimes I can't stop myself. I feel so much better, so much calmer and like I finally got what I deserve. Then I lay in bed and I think about everything I wish I could be and everything I'm not. Sometimes I cry. Then I eventually fall asleep and wake up to the same terrifying tearful panic.
And I don't understand how I can be so scared of living, but I am. And I need help and I need change. I just, it's hard. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I guess I'm doing that anyways, with the way I've been acting.
But I just need you to understand that if I could change this by myself, I would. But I don't think I can anymore. I'm sorry.
lots of explaining,
the.(beautiful).let.down
<3
Crawl across towards your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet
I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late-night television
Inside my bedroom all alone
There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
In the middle of a dream i hear you calling
April 8th(neutralmilkhotel)
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